Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
