dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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