I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
