not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
