U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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