if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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