haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
