i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
