Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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