If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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