you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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