Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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