If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
