I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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