Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
