If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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