Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
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