He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
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Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
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"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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