Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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