Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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