my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
