i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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