I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
