Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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