Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
