i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
