My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Your cock deserves a montage
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
