The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
