Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
