Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
