am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
