I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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