At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
