So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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