I think my fart just growled at me.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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