Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
