Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
