Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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