I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
