ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
