K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
