There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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