I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
