We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
