sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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