I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
