The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
