The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
