I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
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What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
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I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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