I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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