Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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