he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
