I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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