Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
